This is the speech Bill Maher thought the President should have given:
My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult, almost impossible thing-explaining sex to Ken Starr. I have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own.

Did this really happen? Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who nobody ever voted for? I balance the budget. I preside over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but then you want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown out civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weeny in the disco era? Are you people kidding me? And now you want an apology? I don't think so.

But I'll tell you what I am sorry about. I'm sorry that for the service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't better. I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right?

And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being about sex. If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain on somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood.

Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid. I'm sorry wives don't like giving oral sex. I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some affection and release in what some might consider a high stress job. And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian markets need a little hand holding, remember who thought it was more important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis.

Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex. Yeah, right, it's about lying. Well, grow up. People lie about sex. And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it. Of course if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will create perjury crimes. But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick? If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now. But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real and only real source of political legitimacy?

And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70% approval rating. And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you what you want. You want the truth? You want to know what I really think? Well, here it is:

The chubby bitch gives great head.

Thank you and goodnight.

Back to It's Just About Sex