By Karen Brauer
Featured Rightgrrl December 1997

December, 1997

Have you ever looked at the faces of a lot of our liberal network newscasters? For example, doesn't Peter Jennings look as if he recently swallowed some seriously bad food? Barbara Walters is kind of amusing. Being a medical type, I conjure up all sorts of physical explanations for the pained look on her face. Doesn't Dan Rather look as though he is contemplating an impending sigmoidoscopy? I really don't think that most liberals are happy. After all, life for them is an endless succession of crises (often brought about by optional human behavior). And to make themselves feel better, they have to continually devise government interventions to solve these problems. Liberals have turned the government into a huge malignant carcinoma. I don't have to name the only bodily function left unrestricted by the legal tentacles of the tumor. Our country needs some serious chemotherapy.

It must be hard to be nonjudgmental, seeing no absolute right or wrong in any action. Imagine the mental contortions a liberal has to go through when a violent act is committed against them or a family member. Added to the problems of recovering from the personal trauma is the worry about the poor criminal. That makes for a heavy burden. It could turn a liberal into a conservative.

Imagine Algore trying to sleep at night, worrying about the ozone hole that is about to expand and allow us to be fried by excessive UV radiation. And only his environmental programs stand between us and certain annihilation. Imagine the anguish he felt over all the deaths caused by smoking while he was still pocketing tobacco money.

Do you wonder if everyone in the White House needs Halcion for sleep induction? What a mess! Nothing can cover up that much dirt. And all those programs that they invent to "save the children" can't conceal their partial birth abortion thang. These days, I don't think that hating the Clintons is a sin, especially if you're in the military.

Can you " feel the pain" of kids born to liberal parents? They tend to take on adult behaviors at the first sign of puberty, because they think it's expected. Then they have to bear the natural (and unnatural) consequences in addition to the unavoidable pangs of growing up. No wonder Prozac is such a big seller.

I wonder if I wouldn't win a few people over to conservatism if they knew how easy my life has been, having been born that way. A congenital conservative has little to no genetic material associated with the trait of impulsiveness. Very few actions are reflexive. This tends to reduce or eliminate avoidable tragedies, and the associated guilt. The only drawback to life under these conditions is that it takes longer than average to produce a B.M. You can tell you're in a conservative household if you see a lot of reading material in the bathroom.

There are no congenital conservatives on Ritalin. Conservative babies learn to walk later. (It took me exactly two years.) Trips to the emergency room for injuries are rare. Conservative kids don't spend much time in detention at school because they don't get caught. Even the "bad" actions are well thought out. Don't get on the wrong side of a conservative kid. It only looks like they are turning the other cheek. Vengeance comes later, when and how you least expect it.

What keeps the conservative kids from experimenting with illicit drugs? Maybe not wanting to excessively disturb their conservative parents. Maybe not wanting to compromise the state of absolute self control. Also there is the worry about good manufacturing practices and content uniformity. There is no one to hold accountable for adulteration of the product. The rare conservative drug head uses prescription drugs, calls the Drug and Poison Information Center to assure themselves of the identity of thesubstance, and will eventually be driven straight by the worry.

All congenital conservatives believe in a Supreme Being, have a religion and go to some kind of church. Tradition is a conservative thing. Churches are repositories of tradition and RULES. Conservatives are into rules, and a concept of absolute right and wrong. The Ten Commandments are fairly popular among western conservatives. Rules take precedence over feelings. Happiness can even be found in the process of delayed gratification.

That thought naturally leads to the phenomenon of sexual conservatism. A lot of this flows from that good old time religion. But it also is a personality trait. Every action has to be thought out. How can you get carried away by pubescent passions when you have *consequences* on your mind: pregnancy and herpes/warts/chlamydia/hiv/syphilis/gonorrhoeia/chancroid! So congenital conservatives get to finish high school, and college, and grad school if they want, and aren't frequent visitors at the student health clinic or unplanned parenthood. Life is easy.

Congenital conservatives are pack rats. Stamp and coin collectors voted for Ronald Reagan. The house of the right winger is a fire trap. It contains magazines possibly from the previous generation of occupants, old car parts, nuts and bolts from origins unknown, organic solvents of unknown identity, antique appliances, clothing that no longer fits (and never will), repair manuals from cars that are long gone, cancelled checks from far more than seven years back, kids' toys to be passed to the great grandchildren, photos from the time the camera was invented, and old love letters. Conservative computers run slower because their operators can't bring themselves to dump extraneous data and programs from the hard drive.

You can get into good arguments with conservatively educated people. That's because they are taught how to think, not what to think. The name calling in a political or religious discussion almost always comes from the liberal side. I enjoy comparative religions--a topic that scares away many people. I have come to the conclusion that there are as many personal religions as there are believers, and it is interesting to hear what each individual thinks about God.

I believe God must have a sense of humor because he put us in his universe. Whadda ya think??

Karen L. Brauer M.S. R.Ph.

This article copyright © 1998 by Karen L. Brauer and may not be reproduced in any form without the express written consent of its author. All rights reserved.